Aristocratii

Pat Dixon - Comedy2Go
Cracked on Tattoos
Why the #$%! Do We Swear? For Pain Relief
Jimmy Carr - The Writers’ Room Podcast
Mitch Hedberg jokes still inspiring
What should atheists scream out in bed?
Robert R. Provine - Laughter

15. My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should’ve just said, ‘Yeah.’”

14. If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna — somebody needs to tell the turkeys, “Man, just be yourself.”

13. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!”

12. I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said ‘Fuck it. Cut ‘em up!’

11. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

10. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

9. I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

8. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

7. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

6. I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

5. I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, “Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”

4. A lot of times, I’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the “emergency brake”. It’s really not an “emergency brake”, it’s an “emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.”

3. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, ‘Here—you throw this away.’

2. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

1. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Daca am ratat ceva foarte misto, va rog sa ma completati!