Aristocratii

Cine credea ca o sa ajungem niste vedete de carton sau mai bine zis de hartie cu tiraj mare? Dar, iote ca am aparut si in Cancan. Cateva detalii de lamurit:

Primul: Da, vrem sa ajungem ca Seinfeld de bogati sau celebri. In rest n-avem prea multe in comun, ca stil, valori sau orice altceva.
Al doilea: Diferenta subtila, dar la stand-up se spun glume/dume/poante si nu bancuri. Care difera ca structura si stil.
Al treilea: Da, intr-adevar suntem principala atractie in orice club aparem, in special pentru ca Radu dupa cateva pahare de whiskey are tendinta sa se dezbrace in curul gol.

In rest, numai de bine.
In curand o sa va salutam din Ciao si o sa va zambim la poza din Click!.

Si nu uitati ca in seara asta de la 22:00 avem spectacol in Glendale Art Cafe in formula completa (Toma, Sergiu, Radu). Rezervari obligatorii la 0723.879.665.

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

Puteti completa si voi cu alte citate care v-au placut de la Steven Wright in comentarii.

[Si nu uitati! Sambata asta, adica pe 14, ne vedem de la ora 20:00 in Club Prometheus (rezervari la tel 0723.879.665) si de la ora 22:00 in Glendale Art Cafe (rezervari la tel 0723.879.665)]

foto: Andrei Tanase

Dau atat de multe tweeturi ca au inceput sa mi se adune pasarici in calduri la fereastra… D-asta m-am gandit sa impartasesc iar o parte din ele si cu cei care doar citesc blogul. Iar daca va plac glumitele si ati vrea sa mai cititi si asa ceva pe twitter, nu doar bla bla despre marketing, blogging, politica sau ce mai freaca fiecare, dati un add.

“Se poate trai in Romania din stand-up?” - Da, am auzit ca Seinfeld vrea sa-si cumpere o casa la Corbeanca.

Azi am vazut o fata foarte draguta intr-un scaun cu rotile. Mergea o tura.

Daca ti-au placut si mai ales daca nu ti-au placut, poti sa citesti si unele mai vechi daca dai click aici.

*Duh means “No shit sherlock!” and/or “Thank you captain obvious”

[Nu uita ca ne vedem sambata (7 noiembrie) in Glendale Art Cafe (Sos. Cotroceni nr. 9) de la ora 22:00 la un stand-up cu Aristocratii. Detalii si rezervari la numarul de telefon 0723.879.665]

via alternative reel

#10 - On Big Brother
“Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired, go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here’s American Gladiators, watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it, watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America—you are free to do as we tell you! You are free to do as we tell you!”

#09 - On Jay Leno
“Selling Doritos on TV? What a fuckin’ whore. And not even when he needed the money either, you know? If you’re a young actor, I’ll look the other way, but the guy makes $3 million a year, he decides to hock Doritos to make more money. You don’t got enough money you fucking whore? You’ve got to sell snacks to bovine America now? It’s Satan fucking him in the ass on national TV man . . . fuck . . .”

#08 - On Creationism
“Ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? . . . Their eyes real close together. Eyebrow ridges. Big, furry hands and feet. ‘I believe God created me in one day.’ Looks like he rushed it.’”

#07 - On Marijuana
“They lie about marijuana: ‘Marijuana makes you unmotivated.’ Lie. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it’s not worth the fucking effort. There’s a difference.”

#06 - On TV
“I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust. Really. On my hands and knees, wishing it upon every one of you. That’s how much I love TV. Think it’s great. I watched “The Love Connection.” That’s gotta be the most depressing show I’ve ever seen in my life. Adult human beings on national television, groveling for dates. Have some self-respect: stay home and jerk off, man. Guys, buy a Hustler, toss off a load, go about your fucking day, all right? Have some dignity.”

#05 - On Crosses
“A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin’ cross? It’s kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.”

#04 - On Drugs [Revised!]
“If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CDs and burn them. Cause you know what? The musicians that made all that great music that’s enhanced your lives throughout the years? Real fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fuckin’ high they let Ringo sing a few songs.”

#03 - On Reading
“I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I’m not proud of it, I was hungry. And I’m alone, I’m eating and I’m reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: ‘Hey, whatcha readin’ for?’ Isn’t that the weirdest fuckin’ question you’ve ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm . . . I dunno . . . I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don’t end up being a fuckin’ waffle waitress.”

#02 - On Easter
“I’ve been traveling a lot lately. I was over in Australia during Easter. It was interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do; commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race. You know, I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the words ‘bunny’ or ‘chocolate’ anywhere in the fucking book. Where do you come up with this shit? Why those two things? Why not ‘Goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer’? As long as we’re making shit up, go hog wild. At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on its back crawling across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it!”

#01 - On the Miracle of Life
“Here’s another idea that should be punctured, the idea that childbirth is a miracle. I don’t know who started this rumor but it’s not a miracle. No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your butt. It’s a chemical reaction and a biological reaction. You want to know a miracle? A miracle is raising a kid that doesn’t talk in a fucking movie theater . . . I’ll go you one further, and this is the routine that has virtually ended my career in America. If you have children here tonight—and I assume some of you do—I am sorry to tell you this. They are not special. I’ll let that sink in. Don’t get me wrong, folks. I know you think they’re special. You think that. I’m telling you—they’re not. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? Did you know that? And you mean to tell me you think your child is special? Because one out of 200 million sperm connected . . . that load? Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I have wiped entire civilizations off of my chest, with a grey gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel. That is special. And I want you to think about that, you two-egg-carrying beings out there with that holier-than-thou, we-have-the-gift-of-life attitude. I have tossed universes, in my underpants, while napping. That is special.”

Top and photo via Alternative Reel

#10 - ARTISTIC DETACHMENT
“I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.”

#09 - BULLSHIT
“Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man . . . living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of 10 specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

#08 - FREAK SHOW
“When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”

#07 - OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS
“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

#06 - MOTIVATION
“What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.”

#05 - NATIONAL PASTIME
“Consumption. This is the new national pastime. Fuck baseball, it’s consumption, the only true, lasting American value that’s left . . . buying things . . . People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need . . . So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18 percent interest on something that cost $12.50. And they didn’t like it when they got it home anyway. Not too bright, folks, not too fuckin’ bright.”

#04 - ANOTHER FAILED MUTATION
“We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the fuckin’ planet? . . . And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your shit, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.”

#03 - STUFF
“Actually this is just a place for my stuff, ya know? That’s all, a little place for my stuff. That’s all I want, that’s all you need in life, is a little place for your stuff, ya know? I can see it on your table, everybody’s got a little place for their stuff. This is my stuff, that’s your stuff, that’ll be his stuff over there. That’s all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That’s all your house is: a place to keep your stuff. If you didn’t have so much stuff, you wouldn’t need a house. You could just walk around all the time. A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you’re taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody’s got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff. And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn’t want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff. They always take the good stuff. They never bother with that crap you’re saving. All they want is the shiny stuff. That’s what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get . . . more stuff! Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your stuff anymore.”

#02 - AMERICAN DREAM
“Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice . . . you don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying . . . lobbying, to get what they want . . . Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else, but I’ll tell you what they don’t want . . . they don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that . . . that doesn’t help them. That’s against their interests. That’s right. They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table and think about how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fuckin’ years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want obedient workers . . . Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it, and now they’re coming for your Social Security money. They want your fuckin’ retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street, and you know something? They’ll get it . . . they’ll get it all from you sooner or later cause they own this fuckin’ place. It’s a big club and you ain’t in it. You and I are not in The big club. By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table has tilted folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good honest hard-working people . . . white collar, blue collar it doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good honest hard-working people continue, these are people of modest means . . . continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about you . . . they don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t care about you at all . . . at all . . . at all, and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That’s what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes everyday, because the owners of this country know the truth. It’s called the American Dream cause you have to be asleep to believe it . . .”

#01 - SEVEN DIRTY WORDS
“There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 . . . to seven. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. ‘All of you words over here, you seven . . . baaaad words.’ That’s what they told us, right? ‘That’s a bad word!’ Awwww. No bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the words that’ll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits, wow! And tits doesn’t even belong on the list! It seems like such a friendly word. Sounds like a nickname. ‘Hey Tits, come here man! Tits! Meet my friend Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots.’ Sounds like a snack . . . oh yeah, it is. Right. But I don’t mean your sexist snack, I mean new Nabisco Tits. Corn Tits n’ Sesame Tits n’ Cheese Tits . . . Tater Tits. Bet you can’t eat just one!”

Un top via AlternativeReel.com
photo: deadplace

Locul 10 - The Boondock Saints [1999]
“Fuckin’ . . . What the fuckin’. Fuck. Who the fuck fucked this fuckin’ . . . How did you two fuckin’ fucks . . . FUCK!”

Locul 9 - Risky Business [1983]
“Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, ‘What the fuck.’ ‘What the fuck’ gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.”

Locul 8 - Full Metal Jacket [1987]
“Private Pyle, I’m gonna give you three seconds, exactly three fuckin’ seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you!”

Locul 7 - Vacation [1983]
“I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re 10 hours from the fuckin’ fun park and you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much fuckin’ fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah’ out of your assholes! I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!”

Locul 6 - The Big Lebowski [1998]
—”Fuck sympathy! I don’t need your fuckin’ sympathy, man, I need my fuckin’ johnson!”
—”What do you need that for, Dude?”

Locul 5 - Superbad [2007]
“Dude! That means that by some fate we were paired together and she thought of me. Thought of me enough to want me to be responsible for the entire funness of her party! She wants to fuck me! She wants my dick in and around her mouth!”

Locul 4 - Glengarry Glen Ross [1992]
—”‘The leads are weak.’ The fuckin’ leads are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in the business 15 years . . .”
—”What’s your name?”
—”Fuck you. That’s my name . . . You know why, mister? ‘Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight. I drove an 80 thousand dollar BMW. That’s my name.”

Locul 3 - Goodfellas [1990]
—”What’s the fuckin’ matter with you? . . . What the fuck are you doin’? What are you, a fuckin’ sick maniac?”
—”How am I meant to know you’re kidding? What you mean, you’re kidding? You breaking my fuckin’ balls?”
—”I’m fuckin’ kidding with you! You fuckin’ shoot the guy?”
—”He’s dead.”
—”Good shot. What do you want from me? Good shot. Fuckin’ rat anyway. His family’s all rats. He’ll grow up to be a rat.”
—”You stupid bastard, I can’t fuckin’ believe you. Now, you’re gonna dig the fuckin’ thing now. You’re gonna dig the hole. You’re gonna do it. I got no fuckin’ lime. You’re gonna do it.”
—”Who the fuck cares? I’ll dig the fuckin’ hole. I don’t give a fuck. What is it, the first hole I dug? Not the first time I dug a hole. I’ll fuckin’ dig a hole. Where are the shovels?”

Locul 2 - Clerks [1994]
“I feel good today, Silent Bob, we’re gonna make some money, then you know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna go to that party, we’re gonna get some pussy and I’m gonna fuck this bitch, I’m a fuck this bitch, I’ll fuck anything that moves! Yo, what the fuck you lookin’ at, I’ll kick your fuckin’ ass! Shit yeah. Doesn’t that fucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin’ tonight, we’re gonna rip off this fucker’s head and take out his fuckin’ soul. Remind me if he tries to buy someething, I’m gonna shit in the motherfucker’s bag. Hey, what’s up baby? What’s up sluts?”

Locul 1 - Planes, Trains & Automobiles [1987]
—”Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?”
—”Yes.”
—”How may I help you?”
—”You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking cheeks! Then you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!”
—”I don’t really care for the way you’re speaking to me.”
—”And I really don’t care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn’t fucking there. And I really don’t care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”
—”May I see your rental agreement?”
—”I threw it away.”
—”Oh boy.”
—”Oh boy, what?”
—”You’re fucked!”

“What if you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs? Was it a joke?”

Like a chronic case of multiple personality disorder I feel myself with 140 characters.
M-am gandit sa arat si celor care nu ma urmaresc pe twitter ce debitez eu p-acolo. Daca va place nu ezitati sa-mi dati follow:

I read so much on my PC that my PDFs got page curls.

Today I was walking down the street when I realised I had no pants. I forgot them with the other keys.

imagine de aici

15. My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should’ve just said, ‘Yeah.’”

14. If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna — somebody needs to tell the turkeys, “Man, just be yourself.”

13. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!”

12. I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said ‘Fuck it. Cut ‘em up!’

11. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

10. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

9. I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

8. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

7. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

6. I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

5. I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, “Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”

4. A lot of times, I’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the “emergency brake”. It’s really not an “emergency brake”, it’s an “emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.”

3. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, ‘Here—you throw this away.’

2. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

1. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Daca am ratat ceva foarte misto, va rog sa ma completati!

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”