Top 15 citate Mitch Hedberg
by sergiu on Jun.22, 2009, under Citatul zilei, Glume
15. My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should’ve just said, ‘Yeah.’”
14. If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna — somebody needs to tell the turkeys, “Man, just be yourself.”
13. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!”
12. I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said ‘Fuck it. Cut ‘em up!’
11. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
10. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
9. I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
8. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
7. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
6. I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
5. I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, “Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”
4. A lot of times, I’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the “emergency brake”. It’s really not an “emergency brake”, it’s an “emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.”
3. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, ‘Here—you throw this away.’
2. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
1. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Daca am ratat ceva foarte misto, va rog sa ma completati!
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Aristocratii - Stand-up comedy
Aristocratii este trupa de stand-up comedy formata din Toma, Sergiu si Radu. [Cine sunt Aristocratii?] Aici vei gasi clipuri, glume si tot felul de ganduri ale acestor trei oameni. Asa ca daca vrei sa fii la curent aboneaza-te la feed-ul RSS.
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Prietenul Sorin
June 22nd, 2009 on 1:12 pm
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah”.
nu stiu de ce a trebuit sa fie doar un top15.. la fel de bine puteai sa pui 50 sau 100 de quotes-uri.
June 22nd, 2009 on 4:39 pm
Cred ca preferatele mele ar fi:
“You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.”
“I like the set-up in this place. You’re all sitting here facing in one direction and I’m looking in the other direction. It’s like you were all chasing me and when you almost had me you said ‘fuck it let’s sit down’.”
si, desigur:
“My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them…”
June 22nd, 2009 on 4:46 pm
@andee Ma gandeam eu sa dau doar un link spre Wikiquote
@Junkie Iguana Daaa!
Ala cu “Following my dreams” si mie imi place la nebunie. Forgot ’bout it.
June 22nd, 2009 on 9:04 pm
Pe langa astea, mai am inca doua care imi plac foarte mult:
1. “This is what my friend said to me; he said, “Guess what I like, mashed potatoes.” It’s like,”Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.”
2. “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
June 23rd, 2009 on 11:52 am
dap, misto.
June 24th, 2009 on 5:44 pm
I like “I don’t like wearing turtle neck shirts. It’s like a weak guy trying to choke you. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to take you down!”
June 29th, 2009 on 10:15 pm
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, “How would you like your eggs?” So I tried to answer her anyhow.
I said “Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun.
Shit, it’s gonna take awhile.
I don’t have time.
Scrambled!”
I dressed up for the CD…
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Dogs do not actually prefer bones to meatit is just that no one ever gives them meat. Akan proverb West Africa
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Vacanta in Turcia
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Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech. Martin Fraquhar Tupper-
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August 12th, 2010 on 8:23 pm
Hoeveel kan ik lenen? (hypotheek). Wat worden mijn maandlasten? (hypotheek) … Hoeveel hypotheek heb ik nodig? Hoe hoog is de boete die ik nu zou moeten
August 12th, 2010 on 8:36 pm
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Bereken zelf uw hypotheek. Hypotheek berekenen? Maak snel een indicatieve berekening van het maximale leenbedrag van uw hypotheek.
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nu prea pot sa zic ca imi place sincer sa fiu
August 17th, 2010 on 2:43 pm
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August 17th, 2010 on 3:00 pm
Welding can burn your skin if you have holes in your shoes, and turn you beet red from sunburn if you don’t protect your neck and arms. lots of people have died from explosions, fires, duh. from welding yup. but rubber tires ain’t the most flamable material to weld around, the gas tank fumes is more likely to exploid.
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Not everyone who wears braces will need to wear rubber bands. Rubber bands are commonly used to correct bite problems, align jaws, or even to help move individual teeth.
August 18th, 2010 on 8:25 am
I knew a guy that showed up for a weld test in shorts and flip flops!! Not the best way to convince them you are an experienced welder. You can look sharp in a pair of jeans or Carharts, with a good T-shirt and a long sleeve denim shirt over. This is "typical welder wear". You don’t want to come in looking "prissy" like you are not a hard worker and will be afraid to get dirty. Your personality and welding knowledge at the interview and performance on the weld test will be way more important than what you wear.
August 18th, 2010 on 10:39 pm
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August 19th, 2010 on 8:06 am
Hobbies include writing, quilting, sewing, knitting. And I recently started spinning my own yarn. Basically anything arty.
August 19th, 2010 on 8:24 am
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August 19th, 2010 on 9:59 am
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August 20th, 2010 on 12:28 am
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August 20th, 2010 on 9:36 am
What program do you use to add music to your Sansa? If you use Windows Media Player, search for the album art online and save it to your hard drive somewhere you can easily find it. Then, open the file, right click on the image of the album art and select copy. Then, right click on the blank album art image that will appear next to your tracks in Windows Media Player, and select Paste Album Art from the menu. That should add album art to your files. I’m sure there are other ways to do it, but that is the easiest way I have found.
August 20th, 2010 on 11:25 am
ceate a scrapbook filled with pictures from things you’ve done together and stuff like ticket stubs, programs, and anything else you got from something you guys did together or remind you of your friends.
August 20th, 2010 on 11:51 am
Well i am a ? geek. The air its it ok ok. I wouldn’t perfer it. I mean if you look at how skinny it is you probably no it is breakable very easy. It overheats pretty easily and has a bad battery life. It has not many ports and no cd insert. My opinion it is not worth it. You miss out on alot of things. The wi-fi is pretty bad. Not good memory. It only suites you if you only use it to surf the web that’s all. So dont get it. Get the mac pros or macbooks. I have had a macbook, then pro then imac and then the air i am very expeirenced with this stuff.
August 20th, 2010 on 6:07 pm
You should never go under 1200 calories a day if trying to lose weight. But going by your age (you are way to young to be worrying about losing a little weight) and your height you will probably need more than 1200 calories to maintain your health. Your body needs so many calories to function on a daily basis and if you deprive your body to lose weight too fast, negative medical consequences will result…And a word of advice…if you have to lose weight to ask this girl out, she isn’t worth it.
August 20th, 2010 on 6:21 pm
Talk to as many people as possible; travel agents, people at work, friends, neighbors, read reviews from people who stayed at the hotels your interested in, etc….Disney can be a wallet buster, but there are hidden ways to save that may not be advertised anyplace. My neighbor went last year and told me that you really need to be savvy to find all the deals and coupons. Ask about meals, meal vouchers to use while at the park, transportation to and from, everything you can think of. It’ too big of a trip not to cover all basis, especially w/kids in tow. Have fun!
August 20th, 2010 on 6:50 pm
Get an entry-level job in a fashion house. Network, until you find one, and more importantly, someone who can tell you what they are looking for in the portfolios they look at. There are, believe it or not jobs out there. Not all creative ones, but you’ll have your foot in the door.
August 20th, 2010 on 7:42 pm
It’s because they have no imagination. They wait for other clubs to find the talent and then swoop in and triple the others offer. All the scouts at Chelsea do is read the tabloids.
August 21st, 2010 on 4:30 am
i ran to the bathroom at the end so all i saw was megan fox on the motorcylce and sam going backt to class. BUT my friend stayed and he told me that megatron and starscream landed on another planet and more robots started to rise up. im not sure if its true but you can look into it
August 21st, 2010 on 4:54 pm
Well there are many software available for this purpose, but you can convert them online too, here I’m giving you a link source by using which you can convert any of your file in any format, please see the source, I hope you will like it, please let me know if you feel any difficulty.
August 21st, 2010 on 5:24 pm
there are a few differences..first of all bollywood movies tend to show a lot of the indian culture. second, bollywood movies are usually3 hours because they incorporate lots of dancing and songs,,,which kinda adds up to an hour. also in bollywood its mostly hindi with little bits of english. and i think bollywood shows a lot more emotion than hollywood
August 21st, 2010 on 5:40 pm
Lots of directors start as actors. But basically you have to start small, like a stage play or something, and build up references. You can’t go strait to hollywood
August 21st, 2010 on 5:54 pm
the 200 is last yr model and the 205 is this yr model their both the same only difference if you look is that the 205 has the traffic capability and the 200 doesn’t. and the coloring cover of the 200 is more lighter, the 205 is more darker. that’s about it
August 23rd, 2010 on 1:49 am
Hey, I apologise for the possible off-topic. I am looking for a box to host a 100 slot ventrilo server on for my guild. It must be a semi-dedicated box with good internet to run the server 24/7. If anyone can help me you could use it when ever you want + have your own channels, etc.
August 23rd, 2010 on 4:28 am
Honestly, old cars have the cheapest insurance. You cannot put collision on a 10 year old car. To put full coverage on an old car is ridiculous. That is why you only put liability on an older vehicle. This allows you to drive your car with coverage and be street legal. With this type of coverage it only protects the other guys car. You would be out of pocket for the damages to your car.
August 23rd, 2010 on 5:43 pm
I am interested in the stock market also but I think at the moment the economy is pretty bad to be trading right now. Just be careful when it comes to it, its not so easy.
August 23rd, 2010 on 8:59 pm
Thanks for an idea, you sparked at thought from a angle I hadn’t considerd yet. Now lets see if I can do something with it.
August 23rd, 2010 on 11:11 pm
I liked seeing this, do you have a RSS feed I can use?
August 24th, 2010 on 2:03 am
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August 24th, 2010 on 7:57 am
lip gloss for sure and drinks loads of water (it’ll make your skin super nice looking). I don’t wear make up but I do wear non prescription contact lenses the odd time and they look really nice, the coloured ones I mean. Just a though. I got mine from coco contacts (dual jade!)
August 24th, 2010 on 8:06 am
i use sonic stage so i just go to "my downloads" and send the songs to "my documents". im not sure if yours will work the same though. sorry if it doesn’t
August 24th, 2010 on 9:20 am
It is definitely illegal to download something with copyrighted materials for free from the internet. Unless you are downloading from a legitimate website that has the license from Sony. Downloading from Playstation Store is quite expensive from my experience since it is a pay-per-download basis. I found one interesting article about downloading unlimited PSP games off the internet legally.
August 24th, 2010 on 9:36 am
Sounds like your Garmin is defective, contact http://WWW.Garmin.com, from there you can either email them, or get the contact phone number. Another possibility is your map file got corrupted. Have you loaded new maps into it? The guys at Garmin will help with that also, if they think that is the problem.
August 24th, 2010 on 3:18 pm
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August 24th, 2010 on 6:46 pm
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August 24th, 2010 on 8:36 pm
Dino are you serious? Or maybe i misunderstood something?
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August 25th, 2010 on 12:30 pm
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August 26th, 2010 on 4:10 am
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August 26th, 2010 on 10:42 pm
This is getting a little bit more subjective, but I much favour the Zune Marketplace. The interface is colorful, has much more sparkle, and some great features like ‘Mixview’ that let you quickly see associated albums, songs, or other users related to what you are listening to. Clicking on one of those will center on that item, and an additional set of “friends” will come into view, permitting you to navigate around exploring by the same artists, tunes, or users. By the way, the Zune “Social” is also excellent fun, letting you discover other people with shared preferences and getting friends with them. You then can listen to a playlist produced depending on an combinations of what all your buddies are listening to, which can be enjoyable. People worried with privacy will be relieved to know it is possible to prevent the public from seeing your personal listening habits in the event you so select.
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August 29th, 2010 on 1:14 am
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August 30th, 2010 on 1:52 pm
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August 31st, 2010 on 12:59 am
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August 31st, 2010 on 8:43 am
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August 31st, 2010 on 11:03 am
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August 31st, 2010 on 3:18 pm
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August 31st, 2010 on 6:11 pm
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September 1st, 2010 on 3:24 pm
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September 1st, 2010 on 5:36 pm
Are you trying to say that the government purchases more cars than private individuals and private businesses? If people have more of their own money, and the economy gets better, they can afford to purchase more new cars. Government is not the answer to everything, or even most things. Try to think like a capitalist.
September 1st, 2010 on 7:57 pm
Hunt the seasons. Animals will be in different places at different times of the year. For example spring and summer are good times to find deer in the open while the depths of winter the deer are more likely to be in the bush.
September 1st, 2010 on 10:02 pm
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September 3rd, 2010 on 8:47 am
Find an older, all metal machine at a thriftstore, and have it serviced at a local sewing machine repair place. You can probably do this for under $100. These older machines are very tough and will last a long time, unlike today’s plastic machines. Look for one that has metal gears, like a Singer 400 and 500 series. The metals gears will give it plenty of power to go through heavy material. DO use the right needles, like size 16 or 18 jeans needles, they have a sharp point to penetrate better. They might also have cams to make decorative stitches on clothes for your daughter. Enjoy!
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September 3rd, 2010 on 6:16 pm
Good he needs to be off the streets, but please take that awful picture of Paris down, now after the Dr. Murray scam pic. yesterday this may not even be Paris.
September 4th, 2010 on 12:57 am
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September 4th, 2010 on 2:39 am
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September 4th, 2010 on 1:32 pm
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September 4th, 2010 on 11:21 pm
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September 4th, 2010 on 11:42 pm
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September 5th, 2010 on 6:46 pm
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September 6th, 2010 on 3:33 am
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September 6th, 2010 on 3:42 am
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September 6th, 2010 on 4:34 am
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Excellent post!
September 6th, 2010 on 8:41 am
the 2 thing ’s i find funny about global warming is that the last 2 big events out west were post poned do to weather being to cold?? and 1 is that we have been studying our planet for only about what 200 yrs? but yet we are told that it is well over 1,000,000,000’s of yrs old. so how do we really now what happened 1,000,000 yrs ago. is it really just 1 big guess. or are we really to blame for the neighboring planets temp. rising also?
September 6th, 2010 on 12:47 pm
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September 6th, 2010 on 1:12 pm
Migraine is een bonzende hoofdpijn die meestal voorkomt aan één kant van de schedel. De pijn is heftig en houdt 4 tot 72 uur aan.
September 6th, 2010 on 2:51 pm
Hey, I attempted to e-mail you concerning this article although can’t get in touch with you. Please e-mail myself as soon as have a minute. Regards.
September 6th, 2010 on 4:04 pm
I know this isn’t exactly on topic, but I have a blog using the blogengine platform and I’m having problems with my comments displaying. Is there a setting I am forgetting? Maybe you could help me out? Thanks!