Top 15 citate Mitch Hedberg
by sergiu on Jun.22, 2009, under Citatul zilei, Glume
15. My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should’ve just said, ‘Yeah.’”
14. If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna — somebody needs to tell the turkeys, “Man, just be yourself.”
13. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!”
12. I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said ‘Fuck it. Cut ‘em up!’
11. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
10. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
9. I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
8. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
7. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
6. I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
5. I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, “Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”
4. A lot of times, I’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the “emergency brake”. It’s really not an “emergency brake”, it’s an “emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.”
3. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, ‘Here—you throw this away.’
2. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
1. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Daca am ratat ceva foarte misto, va rog sa ma completati!
Leave a Reply
-
Aristocratii - Stand-up comedy
Aristocratii este trupa de stand-up comedy formata din Toma, Sergiu si Radu. [Cine sunt Aristocratii?] Aici vei gasi clipuri, glume si tot felul de ganduri ale acestor trei oameni. Asa ca daca vrei sa fii la curent aboneaza-te la feed-ul RSS.
Daca vrei sa vorbim da un mail la sergiu.floroaia [@] gmail.com
-
Aristocratii in Club 99
-
Aristocratii in Craiova
-
Aristocratii pe Facebook
-
Twitter
-
Radio Stand-up Comedy 24/24
-
Comics.CevaMarunt.ro
-
Prietenul Sorin
June 22nd, 2009 on 1:12 pm
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah”.
nu stiu de ce a trebuit sa fie doar un top15.. la fel de bine puteai sa pui 50 sau 100 de quotes-uri.
June 22nd, 2009 on 4:39 pm
Cred ca preferatele mele ar fi:
“You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.”
“I like the set-up in this place. You’re all sitting here facing in one direction and I’m looking in the other direction. It’s like you were all chasing me and when you almost had me you said ‘fuck it let’s sit down’.”
si, desigur:
“My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them…”
June 22nd, 2009 on 4:46 pm
@andee Ma gandeam eu sa dau doar un link spre Wikiquote
@Junkie Iguana Daaa!
Ala cu “Following my dreams” si mie imi place la nebunie. Forgot ’bout it.
June 22nd, 2009 on 9:04 pm
Pe langa astea, mai am inca doua care imi plac foarte mult:
1. “This is what my friend said to me; he said, “Guess what I like, mashed potatoes.” It’s like,”Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.”
2. “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
June 23rd, 2009 on 11:52 am
dap, misto.
June 24th, 2009 on 5:44 pm
I like “I don’t like wearing turtle neck shirts. It’s like a weak guy trying to choke you. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to take you down!”
June 29th, 2009 on 10:15 pm
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, “How would you like your eggs?” So I tried to answer her anyhow.
I said “Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun.
Shit, it’s gonna take awhile.
I don’t have time.
Scrambled!”
I dressed up for the CD…
April 10th, 2010 on 2:02 pm
I enjoyed reading such a great article. Such insighful writing is rare these days. Informed comment like this has to be lauded. I’ll certainly be looking in on this blog again soon!
May 4th, 2010 on 12:32 am
Dogs do not actually prefer bones to meatit is just that no one ever gives them meat. Akan proverb West Africa
May 20th, 2010 on 10:11 pm
Hi - great stuff. I’m a huge fan of AC DC too… Their Black Ice album totally rocked and showed that these guys are still alive and well. Maiden is in there as well - I am so pumped for their tour this summer! Are you planning on going to see them? Anyway, nice site - I’m subscribed to your RSS feed now so thanks again!
May 27th, 2010 on 11:28 pm
Thanks for this information. My sister has been wondering about this topic for a bit.
May 29th, 2010 on 11:40 pm
Hello dude, can i post articles to your blog ? Let me know if you are interested
June 6th, 2010 on 2:47 am
Just thought i would comment and say neat design, did you code it yourself? Looks great.
June 8th, 2010 on 5:24 am
Thank you very much for your help, this site has been a great relief from the books,
June 8th, 2010 on 8:55 am
I loves this article
June 12th, 2010 on 9:43 am
Heya¡my very first comment on your site. ,I have been reading your blog for a while and thought I would completely pop in and drop a friendly note. . It is great stuff indeed. I also wanted to ask..is there a way to subscribe to your site via email?
June 12th, 2010 on 10:51 am
Yes, I love what you said, but not with all of it. Regardless, it’s all good reading. Good stuff!
June 13th, 2010 on 12:37 pm
So here I was looking for a good read regarding topic . Searching in Yahoo I found this amazing blog. After reading this post I’m very glad to say that I most definatelly found just what I was looking for. I will make sure to remember this website and come back here regularly . Thanks!
June 15th, 2010 on 3:15 am
Thanks for sharing it for
June 16th, 2010 on 8:09 am
Высококачественные сэндвич панели - inteco.ua
June 20th, 2010 on 5:08 am
My daughter suggested this blog, and she is absolutely right. keep up the fantastic work
June 21st, 2010 on 10:18 am
Thanks-a-mundo for the article post.Much thanks again. Keep writing.
June 21st, 2010 on 10:07 pm
Thank you for these kinds of a great blog. In which else could 1 get this kind of info written in this kind of an incite full way? I have a presentation that I am just now working on, and I were trying to find such information.
June 23rd, 2010 on 2:26 pm
interesting blog. It would be great if you can provide more details about it. Thanks you
June 23rd, 2010 on 7:43 pm
Hi there, I discover that your case is rather perceptive because it highlights a good deal of accurate data. By the way, was thinking regardless of whether you’d adore to interchange internet links with my net portal, as I am seeking to build contacts to extra spear factor and achieve ground for my internet space. I do not mind you laying my world-wide-web links at the residence page, just approving this links on this specific post is more than enough. Furthermore, would you be type more than enough contact me at my world wide web space if you are keen within the link exchange, I would extremely like that. Very best wishes from me and hope to hear from you shortly!
June 27th, 2010 on 12:59 am
I was’nt sure I would like this site since it was about Top 15 citate Mitch Hedberg | Aristocratii but I was wrong and thought it was cool and found it on Bing . Thanks and I’ll be back as you update.
June 27th, 2010 on 8:42 am
Great read. Sorry to be a little off topic but I was wondering, I want to start a blog but was trying to figure out how to get a readership to it. How do you get search engines to find you like I found you? Is that hard?
June 27th, 2010 on 8:58 am
I love reading your blog. You seem like a natural in sharing your experiences. I am starting my blog as well, do you think only natural writers can have something to share?
June 30th, 2010 on 4:33 am
Dang. That’s isthe most messed up piece I’ve read today. But, I’m not certain, myself.
July 1st, 2010 on 6:29 am
Hey…thanks for that. Great post. I’ll be checking back shortly for more news. Excellent!
July 1st, 2010 on 7:02 am
Cool! But you ought to check your comments more frequently. You seem to be taking on some spam comments. I had exactly the same problem myself. So these days I go over everything as carefully as I can.
July 2nd, 2010 on 7:55 am
Sorry…I should have comment on this a while ago. I think that it is reasonable. Keep up the great work. I’ll be back soon
July 2nd, 2010 on 8:49 am
Cool. It’s the same here in Washington. Can be remarkably frustrating, but that’s life in this day and age.
July 2nd, 2010 on 9:41 am
All very true, but I don’t support what you say myself. I will stay the more conventional view. But I certainly support your right to have your own point of view. Cool anyway.
July 2nd, 2010 on 10:32 am
I thought that was extremeley interesting. Thanks for the unusual content. I’ll keep following this.
July 2nd, 2010 on 10:49 am
I adore your blog - super !
July 3rd, 2010 on 10:37 am
Ha. That’s isthe most messed up post I’ve seen today. But somehow, I’m not positive, myself.
July 4th, 2010 on 1:36 am
Dang. That’s isthe most jacked up post I’ve read today. But, I’m not sure, myself.
July 4th, 2010 on 8:07 pm
With the old wish that is ever new, may the greeting do its share toward making your Christmas a pleasant one.
July 7th, 2010 on 8:58 pm
I very much liked reading your website. Really good content. Please continue posting such really good material.
July 7th, 2010 on 9:43 pm
I really liked reading your site. Great content. Please continue posting such good material.
July 9th, 2010 on 5:14 pm
Lovely work on the article, thanks
July 10th, 2010 on 4:59 am
Cool website, thanks for sharing the info!!
July 10th, 2010 on 6:47 pm
This is really a excellent weblog posting and very useful. I truly appreciate the study you put into it
July 10th, 2010 on 11:10 pm
Sorry my english, but this is great site, I wil add to my favorites.
July 11th, 2010 on 5:14 am
I are actually surfing on-line much more than 3 hours nowadays, yet I by no means discovered any fascinating write-up like yours. It’s rather worth ample for me. In my view, if all webmasters and bloggers made superior content material as you did, the net will be far more useful than ever prior to.
July 12th, 2010 on 5:10 am
Interesting! But I my own views myself. But I definitely support your right to think what you want.
July 12th, 2010 on 5:30 am
Are you kidding me? I’m not certain I can put myself behind what you say. But I will surely be back to find out more very soon.
July 12th, 2010 on 8:00 pm
I REALLY liked your post and blog! It took me a minute bit to find your site…but I bookmarked it. Would you mind if I posted a link back to your post?
July 12th, 2010 on 9:37 pm
Nice site and great text.
July 13th, 2010 on 7:24 pm
Der Weblog hier hat mir auf Anhieb gefallen. So hab ich mir mal ein Lesezeichen gemacht.
July 13th, 2010 on 7:27 pm
Nice site and great text.
July 13th, 2010 on 8:46 pm
Super site, and nice text.
July 13th, 2010 on 9:19 pm
Nice post! You truly have a wonderful way of writing which I find captivating! I will definitely be bookmarking you and returning to your blog. In fact, your post reminded me about a strange thing that happened to me the other day. I’ll tell you about that later…
July 15th, 2010 on 1:26 am
Have just subscribed to the feed, thx a bunch for all of the effort you put into this
July 15th, 2010 on 5:23 am
Well, I just want to let you know I like your site.
July 16th, 2010 on 5:16 am
Heck, I was really blown away with that. I told my Mom and she agreed. I would love to hear anything else on this. Excellent!
July 16th, 2010 on 5:43 am
Interesting post, but the theme don’t show up properly on my iPad…maybe you could check that out. Thanks, anyway.
July 17th, 2010 on 2:07 pm
I came across your website, i think your blog is awsome, keep working !
July 18th, 2010 on 3:51 pm
Ooohh, $$$ Make money $$$, I have two very good make money plan!!!1.Free get ipod,Gift Card,please visit http://bit.ly/coYGOL .2.Looking For Facebook Promotion.I am looking for someone who has Facebook fan pages or accounts with 50K+ subscribers/Friends.I would like to pay you for status updates, wall postings.Please Get back to me if you have Facebook fan pages, and let me know how much for each status update.email to resupote@gmail.com.
July 19th, 2010 on 4:19 pm
I have been a reader for a long while, but this is my first time as a commenter. I just wanted to let you know that this has been / is my favorite update of yours! Keep up the great work and I’ll keep on coming back.
yours
Yadira Bloomgren
July 20th, 2010 on 1:52 pm
have you see the “we speak english” ad? wow…
July 23rd, 2010 on 8:35 pm
Good! Thank you! I always wanted to write in my site something like that. Can I take part of your post to my blog?
July 26th, 2010 on 9:57 am
Nice Info . Do you mind if I talk about this post in my blog. You and your blog will surely get the credit
July 27th, 2010 on 12:41 am
I’m pretty sure I get what your saying
July 27th, 2010 on 3:24 pm
What a good blog you have here. Please update it more often. This topics is my interest. Thank you. . .
July 27th, 2010 on 4:41 pm
Thank you so much for this valuable information. Very useful indeed. . . . .
July 27th, 2010 on 9:26 pm
hiho!? this site is pretty cool!!!! I am sure that I`m coming back to find new posts.
July 29th, 2010 on 7:22 am
Here’s a comment. Great advice =) Thanks
July 29th, 2010 on 10:34 pm
We got our yorshire terrier approximately 6 years ago. His father was small to medium sized and the mom was big so he is in between. Not a teacup yet smaller sized then most.
July 30th, 2010 on 12:08 am
I am delighted with my new tatoo! They made it to me in Chopper Tattoo, I recommend it to everyone!
July 30th, 2010 on 2:34 pm
Substantially, the post is actually the sweetest topic on curing acne naturally. I concur with your conclusions and will thirstily look forward to your future updates. Just saying thanks will not just be sufficient, for the tremendous lucidity in your writing. I will right away grab your rss feed to stay abreast of any updates.
July 30th, 2010 on 8:28 pm
Vacanta in Turcia
July 31st, 2010 on 12:10 am
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech. Martin Fraquhar Tupper-
July 31st, 2010 on 7:54 am
Lacul Lesu este un lac de acumulare, cu o suprafata de 148 ha si cu un volum de apa de 28, 2 milioane metri cubi dat în folosinta din anul 1973. Ca urmare a existentei sale s-a format în decursul anilor satul de vacanta Coada Lacului.
July 31st, 2010 on 8:30 am
I do agree with all the ideas you have presented in your post. They are very convincing and will definitely work. Thanks for the post.
July 31st, 2010 on 5:23 pm
Hey esto es un gran poste. ¿Puedo utilizar una porción en ella en mi sitio? Por supuesto ligaría a su sitio así que la gente podría leer el artículo completo si ella quiso a. Agradece cualquier manera.
August 1st, 2010 on 7:51 am
Here’s a comment. Great advice
Thanks